Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
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One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
*crossing the River Styx*
Me: Shouldn’t we be wearing some kind of flotation device?
Ferryman: You’re already dead, so, no. And this time of year the river is gravy.
Me:*jumps in with mouth open*
Ferryman: Americans. They always fall for that
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
Perfect.
don’t bring a knife to a gun fight okay then explain bayonets to me.
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
Me: [smiling]
Phone: face not recognized
Me: [stuffing my mouth with tacos]
Phone: oh there you are
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.