me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
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Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
I’m at BJs if anyone needs 500 tampons, a vat of mayonnaise, or a gazebo hmu.
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house