me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
You Might Also Like
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
Update on my fitness journey: at the farmers’ market my wife handed me a bag of celery and said, “careful, it’s heavy.”
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
I wonder if my date ever found her way out of that corn maze.
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
Had to take my niece to the ER today, because she swallowed a toy train.
Doc said she bit off more than she could choo.
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
asked my bf how work was today
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.