Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages

I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.

*4yo son, crying*

I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?

*sigh*

Parenting is hard.

somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him

My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”

Me: “It’s amazing.”

Her: “OK, I’ll join.”

Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”

I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.

I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!

Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down

Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?

BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys

HEART: yay!

ANXIETY: idk about this

INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one

My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables

4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?

Me: Yeah, in a minute

4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer

If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?

vet: I need to give your dog some shots

me: no he doesn’t drink

Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.

Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music

My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”

Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.

My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.

I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.

He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.

Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.

OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.

Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?

You do now.

Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”

I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.

Me: Grab me the red one

Dog: Not funny

Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?

I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.

*first day as crime scene investigator*

*Removes sheet covering victim*

*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*

*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*

My therapist after every session

I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.

Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?