Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.

Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?

*Hits Rock Bottom*

Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.

[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]

“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”

I’m nearly qualified to be a weaver. My final exam is looming.

Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…

Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.

Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.

Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.

Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.

Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.

prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i

sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail

prisoner: i can see that but where

sheriff: mississippi

prisoner: ok now that is bad news

me: sorry if I’m bothering you

lifeguard pulling me to shore: what

Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh

therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?

me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?

therapist:
No.

me:
….Knives?

therapist:
Forget I asked.

*drops pizza slice on the floor

Hey can I get another slice?

*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice

I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.

The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.

*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”

*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”

explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process

COP: License and registration please

ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs

Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”

Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”

My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime

If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly

Me: how are you feeling about all of this?

Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.

Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.

[commercial for kinder eggs]

are you tired of mean eggs

cop: do you know why I pulled you over?

me: I’m not psychic, Craig

cop: my name is Greg

me: I work at Starbucks

Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear

I’m that bored in the house 🥺

#lockdownextension

“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot