Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: thanks for the new bath toy

her: you’re welcome

me: oh and it makes toast too?

Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.

Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.

Me: Thanks. I do yoga.

MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit

Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]

Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun

Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling

Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.

Jim ate my sandwich.

It was clearly labeled.

Jim’s email is open on his PC.

Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.

The sandwich was LABELED.

You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.

You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning

I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,

but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.

If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.

date: I come from a broken home

bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken

Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.

One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely

Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.

Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: This one?

ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?

[first day as a 911 operator]

guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!

me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh

[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”

Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser

Me (a masseur): *applying oil*

Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?

Friend: *sets up chess board*

Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*

*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost

Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.

“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones

I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body

Me: [getting ready for work]

Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.

Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]

If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.

At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”

Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.