Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress

“Have you met my other half?”

– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.

this is the news I live for

Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.

Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now

Wrote a song and it goes a little something like this… Who put maple syrup on the caaaaat?

I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER

My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.

She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.

I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”

She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.

What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask

The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.

*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives

I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns

Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.

Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.

Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:

If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day

Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?

I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.

From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.

I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.

And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.

my gf told me she slept with 5 different women in college and said she “experimented” girl that’s not experimenting you did peer reviewed research

Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.

I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.

ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.

Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.

cop: any drugs on u

me: on or in

cop: what

me: what

Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.

Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing

[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]

Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?

Me: I’m up.

Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.

Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.

Jill: You got it, boss.

Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.