Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
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DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
u guys got any snacks onboard here