Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’

9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.

iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.

My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.

Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.

If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.

So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.

COP: do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*

[3 years later]

COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…

Me: Can I use it for my socials?

Mugshot Photographer: No.

A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!

[at restaurant]

Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?

Me: Just one, thanks.

Wife (clears throat): Two.

If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.

I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.

I’m so pro-life,

I believe life begins at erection.

[Tattoo Parlor]

Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.

Calf: *nervous mooing*

Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about

Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy

Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”

*aggressively waits in line*

Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol

Cw: you have a call holding

M: put it in my voicemail

Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent

M: hiiii this is Jennifer

I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.

If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I

I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.

[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”

*names my little horse OneTrick*

Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.

Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.

Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…

[documentary on bees]

“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”