Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.

Genie: I grant you three wishes.

Bob: I want to be rich.

Genie: Granted.

Rich: I want a lot of money.

If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.

I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.

“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone

friend: this has been the worst day of my life

me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR

Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!

Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?

Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…

Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.

Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia

“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”

[Observation Ward]

Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-

Doctor 1: Take his phone

Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago

Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?

Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows

Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work

The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.

A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”

My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.

My mom asked what my office does for faxing since we’re completely remote, so I had to tell her we’re actually located in 2024

My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.

Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.

Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.

After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.

friend: thanks for all ur help

me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it

My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business

*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*

Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.

Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.

Women out here dating guys with three felonies

but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.

I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.

Weirdly Wednesday.

Me: *screaming along to death-metal*

My child, who I forgot was in the car:

No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.

[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.

The best part about your kids being sick is you get to see exactly how shitty you’re going to feel in 48 hours