Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
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When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
“Hope you’re enjoying the sunshine!”
No, I’m at a desk reading your email.
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
the lamestream media wants you to call them “pigeons”. but CRIME BIRDS are terrorizing our cities: stealing wifi, causing sunspots, downloading cars
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
If you want to mess with a pompous English major, tell him you’re “flustrated.”
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.