me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
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Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans