me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
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My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
Me, in DM rooms…
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.