Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks

Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there

*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*

[Me as a boxing commentator]

ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time

Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”

going to the ER y’all need anything

Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*

How to meet a girl:

1) Walk into a bar.

2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”

3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.

Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame

I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.

For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.

God: I’m calling this a horse

Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!

God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks

As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.

*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*

Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.

The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.

i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress

I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.

Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”

The Lord: “You still have that?”

I’m very loyal to whatever brand is on sale

[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]

11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep

I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.

I’m not sentimental.

I’m just sick of tripping over them.

You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.

You can’t have both.

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.

Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!

snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this

Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.

kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.

[The year was 2050]

“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”

“There was a time when this was illegal you know”