Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.

How to start a diet:

1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1

Doctor: Are you sexually active?

Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.

Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.

her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job

women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close

No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.

TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON

Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.

“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*

I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.

*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*

Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.

corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them

Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:

My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.

Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?

8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.

It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.

Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…

You can’t have it both ways mate

Me: sobbing in the shower

Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet

The first five days after the weekend are the worst.

Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.

Me: How was school?

11-year-old: It was a normal day.

Me: So it was good?

11: I didn’t say that at all.

Silence of the Lambs is so relatable to me cuz I also understand the importance of moisturizing

Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”

I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”

Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.

Breakfast: Banana Bread

Lunch: Orange Creamsicle

Dinner: Carrot Cake

Vegetarianism is hard.

If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.

How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em

Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s

*watches movie*

*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*

*pauses for three months*

“Eat right and exercise?!?…

I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”