Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
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Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
What a kind woman! 😂😂
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
My husband ate the last chicken nugget so I’m single now.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
everyone’s blaming media illiteracy for ppl mistaking poo crave for pop crave but babe that’s just regular illiteracy 😓
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators