Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking

Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.

Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.

But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”

How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485

I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late

My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.

A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.

I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.

My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink

The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.

*Tries to get makeup off*

Makeup: I have a boyfriend.

My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.

Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.

Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.

DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!

CACTUS: 🌵

DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…

*Husband playing computer game*

Me: I’m going to go pee.

Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.

Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.

Husband: OK. Enjoy.

I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human

Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.

I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.

Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.

I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”

And I said, “Deal.”

That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel

Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories

Attending multiple open houses today… I’m going to walk into every empty room and ask “now does this come with the place?”

Me: I want to-

Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!

Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!

Boss: Ok good. Go on

Me: I want to stop working here

Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.

Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?

HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?

ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.

HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!

Oh good, I was hoping for a terrifying, fungus-related dystopian nightmare today

DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?

ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.

[2AM]
ME:

WIFE: Go to sleep.

ME: What if it is though?