Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
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[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
If looks could kill
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
welcome mats are just gateway rugs