Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.

If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.

The glory of fall.

Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.

As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:

“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”

Geez. Give us a break already.

sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better

9: Mommy can I have a treat?

Me: It’s close to bedtime so no

9: A tiny piece?

Me: No

9: A molecule? An atom?!

Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino

9: Is that a donut?

I’ve never completed a marathon, but I’ve listened to my mom tell a story, so don’t talk to me about endurance.

Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something

What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?

OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW

– alcohol

Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.

Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw

I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.

The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.

Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.

Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.

i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either

The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.

~At a snowboarding store.

Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.

Me: i know

Him:…

Me: Wait, what, oh the board…

‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography

Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.

Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.

Try that* in a small town.

*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.

If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.

Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”

*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?

WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea

My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.