Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.

My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”

Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so

Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.

I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.

I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle

When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.

Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.

Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?

Me: I think I saw a murder.

Policeman: Are you positive?

Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.

Policeman: About the murder.

Me: Not really. No.

The good news: She actually gave me her number

The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away

[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]

[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon

This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.

H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep

Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?

He was going through a midlife ISIS!!

*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*

Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.

If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.

ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me

I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.

How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?

[Arranging a date]

Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?

Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG

*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?

If you can’t beat them

Just try sunny side up

Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.

Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.

Word of the day:

Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.

If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.

If You Take a Mom to Target:

If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.

Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.

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