Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.

If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.

Hey, we never talked in high school!

Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!

JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!

I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.

Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?

[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?

The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”

A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”

My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.

Lisa is still trying to catch all those cats. She sent me this picture and I cannot stop laughing.

what did president abe lincoln call his journal?

…his lincoln logs

I work from home and tend towards introvert

Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?

Me: Saturday!

Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?

WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them

ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?

*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*

“You should floss more”

I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.

Girls don’t want boys. Girls want the 12-foot skeleton from Home Depot.

Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.

Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.

Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.

Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.

Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.

The Snickerdoodle is the most sarcastic of the dog breeds

nobody let neil degrasse tyson watch acolyte, they have fire burning in the vacuum of space within the first 10 minutes

So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.

My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.

PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there

can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this

I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes

an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard

Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.

Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.

Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.