Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Movie idea:

A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.

ㅤ

Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?

Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.

I asked him how much they were.

He said “It’s five pound a strip”

I said “Do I get to choose the music?”

Just looked at me then walked off 🤣

Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today

*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*

When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.

CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window

I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days

We are dating

No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.

My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory

This is my emotional support Jurassic Park Burger King watch

A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.

The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant

I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court

Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.

[Person about to invent vaping] I wish this mango smoothie was on fire.

[one tweet gets 10 likes]

me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.

Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York

My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”

[yelling over the music to club DJ]

ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES

Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.

My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.

ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.

I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.

*I’ll show myself out*

In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.

I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.

This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.

Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.

If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?

Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee