me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
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When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
Gods work.
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
Mouse
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.