me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
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I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
Waffles are just pancakes with abs.
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
This was a bad idea all around
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.