me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
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STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
My physician didn’t find this amusing…
What do you call a veterinarian who’s only good enough to treat one species? A Doctor.
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
yeah 😭
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.