Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.

A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.

Women: When
are you leaving?

Men: In the morning.

W: Yeah but what time.

M: Morningtime.

Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.

Me: who are you writing about?

Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.

Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.

Daughter: seriously?

Me:

Daughter:

Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )

*Bites lower lip*

“So this is an abduction then?”

Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”

Me: Would you like a sample?

Boss: What are you doing?

Me: Handing out free samples.

Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!

Me: This is a weird Costco.

Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.

ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.

I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever

My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.

Imagine my voice. Wrong. More velociraptor.

i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao

instagram: look at my new boyfriend

twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend

reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours

Ancient Romans: uh oh there’s someone at the door

Buffy, the Empire Slayer: knock knock

You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.

Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog

God please let it be a hotdog

the first snowflake of winter: *falls*

my body: ＷＥ ＤＥＭＡＮＤ ＳＯＵＰ

The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.

Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.

Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing

hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol

“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”

Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.

Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude

If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet

The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.

I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.

Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert

First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem

The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”

The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”

*15th century*

Shaggy: ‘Twas not I

get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind

OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.