Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that

THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.

A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?

I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.

My new favorite headline

So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.

She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”

And I said, “That’s a mirror”.

Which was nice.

“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.

cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit

me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better

cop: you need to maintain the speed limit

me: *knocks book out of cops hands*

cop: are you trying to get arrested

me: yes please

1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping

Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.

Establish dominance over your children by whining louder

[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?

[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”

My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it

Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.

Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose

Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?

Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.

If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!

Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.

one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.

I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.

BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.

King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!

Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*

Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.

I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.

Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.

Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation

Strange

Genie: and for your last wish?

Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.

*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*

Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!

*walks into a restaurant*

Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.

Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card