Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.

If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.

The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.

WIFE: The police are at the front door

ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?

dentist: u need to floss

me: no

dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth

me: really

dentist: in a fistfight

me: that sounds unrelated

dentist: it was my fist. do what i say

yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road

BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add

FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?

ME: uhh…yeah…of course

[later]

ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine

Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.

At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.

…u ok Nintendo?

When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection

“We’d love to hear your feedback about our site!”

I don’t think you will….

YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime

If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter

My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day

Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.

“I think we should start touching other people.”

-Blind couple breaking up.

I think the bowl of ice cream I ate earlier gave me a stomach ache so I ate a another bowl to make sure.

Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.

I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.

When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.

Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house

If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.

Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.

“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”

wtf

Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars

Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.