Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”

I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry

Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!

Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.

Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..

Uh oh…..

Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?

Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?

Batman: Sidekick

Robin: Close enough

fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake

me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?

fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?

Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.

Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.

Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.

Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?

me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees

Taco Bell: try this new thing

Me: what is it

TB: does it matter

Me: no I’ll take 3

“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”

I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.

My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.

Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.

In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.

Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….

Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?

*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”

I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.

IT: You deleted the OS?

Me: I think so.

IT: It didn’t warn you?

Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?

Okay so this is wild. I’m using this ticket machine in Japan and it malfunctions and doesn’t give me my change.

Suddenly, a panel in the wall opens in the wall and a guy appears and tells me to hold on and then gives me my change.

During my annual gynecologist visit:

Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.

Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.

Gyno:

Nurse:

Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?

Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.

CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢

[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens

Friend: What’s your favourite season?

Me: Of which show?

Friend: 😐

Me: 😶

Friend: 😕

Me: 😐

Me: 👀💭

Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.

Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?

My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.

The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.