Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
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{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
Millennials are “quiet breathing” on company time, often inhaling AND exhaling at the office
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
I don’t carry my wallet to work because I’m afraid someone will steal it while I’m sleeping.