Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Murderer 1: well this is awkward

Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!

Murderer 1: how’s Carol?

Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-

Me: EXCUSE ME

*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?

Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!

day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet

*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?

Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS

When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.

[carrying my bratty kids into the hospital]

hi, I would like to make a return

Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”

Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*

[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men

As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.

Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches

what’s your favorite christmas song about punching a cough drop? mine’s deck the halls

Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?

Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc

Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.

You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do

If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.

Me, day twenty of law school:

Your diligence, the prosecution rests.

Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.

Me: Shit! Can I go again?

The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.

Cucumbers Anonymous

[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body

[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]

CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?

ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio

OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.

Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.

Me: *wearing white shirt*

Every food in the universe: GET HIM!

At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.

Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?

My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.

No one:

My 3yo: H I J K Elmo Elmo P

[Shark Tank]

INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?

ME: Yep

INVESTOR: And you call it the-

ME: The Bracho, yes