me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
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PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
If you’re wondering what a mom brain is I just looked for the milk in the microwave.
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…