Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s not you, it’s me.

-Twins looking through old photographs.

Website: are you a robot?

Cyborg: *sweating activated*

If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.

I’m sorry…what?

How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.

I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.

Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?

Me: As many free office supplies as possible.

I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.

Someone: he doesn’t look so good.

Someone else: we have to say the magic words!

Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…

Me: *slowly rises from the dead*

ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”

DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well

ME: thanks tell my wife I love her

“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.

Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?

Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.

*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*

HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!

in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”

One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.

[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…

The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy

The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.

If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices

Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.

Me: I just took my contacts out.

Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.

Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s

Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.

The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.

I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end

Top Gun is a Christmas movie.

There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose

“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”

I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.