ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
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My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
if we’re bringing back satanic panic can we do a throwback to 80’s grocery prices too
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
I made some soup yesterday entirely from ingredients extracted from the atmosphere…
It was a broth of fresh air!🤭😁
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.