ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
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my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
Rapunzel! Let down your CVS receipt.
Gross if literal…Liverpool
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
On the face of it alcohol is so funny – you can take a potion that makes you so good at driving the government has to make it illegal
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
Schrödinger’s cookie
