Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.

Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.

[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter

Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave

Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep

Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?

TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them

Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.

Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.

*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*

Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?

Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?

Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”

Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you

Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.

I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese

Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.

Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.

her: we’re engaged, Dad!

her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first

me: you’re not really my type

me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam

I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food

Wanna run through the forest, while I chase you with a flamethrower?

“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers

[at the general store]

me: one general please

Him: I eat healthily

Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else

Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving

Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords

Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.

If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”

[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]

my phone: spam risk

After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.

is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?

canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism

“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”

– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows

son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka