Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
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Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
I made my wife sign a prenup because there was no way I was going to let her take half of my golden girls memorabilia collection.
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
Me: You better eat your vegetables
My kid: but why
Me: they are good for you , they make your eyes brighter and skin glow
My kid (takes a hard look at me): I don’t think that’s true
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
Follow me for more life hacks.
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.