Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
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making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
What do you call a laughing motorcycle?
Yamahahahahahahahahaha
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
I can fix him.
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
we really living in the the most difficult section of someone’s AP gov exam in 2053
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
The guy I’m training thinks he’s going to take my job by undermining me, listen, buddy, you can have it.