*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
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My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
Hear me out.
CROUTON BANGLES.
We have the technology.
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
I wish other jobs let us solve issues by releasing diss tracks. got some sick rhymes about debbie from accounting and her poorly structured invoicing
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor