*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
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I love wikipedia
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
If your so called friends come out of the woodwork when you’re successful I have news for you. Your friends are probably termites. Humans can’t do that. Congrats on the success tho.
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
Help Wanted
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?