Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.

Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.

Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!

Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh

Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.

mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at

Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.

Heckling the flight attendant during the oxygen mask demo

Me: My dog ran away two days ago

Dog pound: Does he have a tag?

Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?

the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example

friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener

me: here, give me your lighter

friend: ok

me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener

I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???

What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?

i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.

Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap

DINOSAUR PARTY

TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-Rex

T-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.

“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.

“Kids are picking on me, Mom”

I’ll teach you how to fight, son.

“Yes!”

[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]

my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact

I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.

I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back

He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.

I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.

THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on

I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.

Notice Dave Grohl is trending…..quickly check to make sure he’s not dead……then realize his wife will take care of that part

WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go

People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier

I like to move it.

But not move it move it.

Just the one move it.

“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*

Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.