Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I need to stop drinking so much. Did I say drinking. I meant thinking. I need to drink more.

[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants

Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.

15: Ok

Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.

15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.

Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.

I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂

In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.

“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.

If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”

doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?

me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim

A NEW year? In this economy??? I’m settling for a certified pre-owned.

I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries

[reptile house]

Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?

Wife: Sure!

Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?

“Do you want the latest dirt?”

-No, but I appreciate the sediment.

Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs

– my dog

His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER

My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!

Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.

*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second

Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her

Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?

Me: *panicking*

Friend: just go with your gut

Me: *panicking while eating nachos*

[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*

GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”

[Hospital]

Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition

*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”

One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.

there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u

Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.

Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?

My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.

A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.

Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.

[Ferrari dealership]

ME: How much for this red one?

SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny

ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*

SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!

[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME: