We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
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My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.