@DrizzyJayyyy

me trying not to do anything stupid on the first date

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@AndyAsAdjective

I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.

The pharmacist smiles kindly.

@Playing_Dad

[Noah’s Ark]
Noah: How will the animals reproduce?
God: You took a male & female, right?
Noah: YOU SAID BRING 2 YOU DIDN’T SAY 1 OF EACH SEX

@BlindChow

[breakfast in hell]

STALIN: Toast is burnt

POL POT: Eggs are rotten

HITLER: I hate the juice

STALIN: Oh here we go

HITLER: I said JUICE

@freedom2726

OMG. What if “Shut up” isn’t such a persuasive argument after all?

No, you shut up.

@Reverend_Scott

DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN

ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues

DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun

@Book_Krazy

[Gym]

Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!

Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*

@MelvinofYork

I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down

@beefman138

Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.

– Alien Vs Creditor.

@dave_cactus

[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…