A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
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I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this