Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
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[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
just having fun
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
With the right amount of pressure I can make my forehead look like a brain – could be useful
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
