Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
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If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾♀️😂
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole