Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
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I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
Solving a traffic jam
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill