Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
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[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes
Leaving hotel: just don’t kill anybody but if you do take the body please. But it’s ok if you don’t
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
The child psychologist at my kids school doesn’t even have a degree…though I guess I shouldn’t expect a child to…
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
Can’t, holding a grudge
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲