Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
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[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
Hot hot hot 🥵
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
*Drunk dials Mr. Clean
My house is soooooo dirty right now.
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?