Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
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[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
Can Happiness buy money?
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.