Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Antichrist emerging from the ground]

*looks around*

Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.

Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.

[pulled over]

COP: Did you know you were speeding?

ME: I didn’t even know I was driving

COP: Out

sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song

me: i’ll have the mouse, please

waiter: that’s mousse, sir

me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food

Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired

ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked

Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.

When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.

Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.

I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.

Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.

brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died

me: dating is hard

me on a date: future archaeologist will dig up disney world and assume it’s a temple of mouse worship

I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.

barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach

guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening

*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*

*celebrates the thought with a pizza*

last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht

My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.

If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank

My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.

Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.

wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!

[later]

ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department

me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot

Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.

A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos

[During quarantine]

Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.

Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?

Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water

Guy 2: why

Guy 2: well it’s shark week

Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is

So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known