* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
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I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.