Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The pizza theorem:

“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”

-Science

What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”

Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?

ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that

Me, abandoning the call I’m making after two unanswered rings: “well, I tried my absolute best to reach them, not sure what more I could’ve done”

I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department

During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.

I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet

[ first date ]

her: i like a man who plans financially for the future

me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later

Google assistant rules

[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?

GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH

[first day as a cashier]

customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper

me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying

You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.

DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this

They’re called werewolves.

Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!

Wife: An uncontested divorce

waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING

A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.

When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.

Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.

I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.

[on a first date]

Her: …
Me: …

EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?

If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.

lawyer: just say you were with a friend

me: ok

[later]
cop: where were you that night?

me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend

Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.

“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance

Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.

I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.

I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.

I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.

I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.

Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!

10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.

People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.