*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
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That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
i totally get why leonardo dicaprio is trying to save the environment for future generations (they could be his girlfriend)
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
Me: I’m Absolutely broke
State of the art tech advertisers who know every single detail of my life: She needs the nicest most expensive bag ever! Oh and Taylor Swift tickets, at 3 times the original price!
#wtfuture