Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?

Ha.

Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.

Me: I could survive in the wild.

Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.

Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.

I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR

WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH

try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane

its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer

I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.

*trips over globe and breaks both legs*

*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*

why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?

Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol

Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.

ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later

My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.

What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?

HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!

Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks

Noted.

My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.

My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”

The student has surpassed the master

Inventing The Octopus-

God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?

My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.

Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.

I paid for for the sled.

The kids weren’t doing it right.

And it was my turn.

“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee

customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames

You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.

We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.

Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.

I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.

Quit 1/3 of the way through.

Ended up with a 2Pac.

“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games