Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
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I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
Nothing says “We have no faith in our own products” like using a 16 year old girl in your anti-aging cream commercials.
“Where do people already feel awkward & uncomfortable?”
“K let’s make ’em like that”
— funeral home designers
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
*hands you a marijuana*
“This one’s called Air Bud. It’ll make you play basketball. Also it might turn you into a golden retriever.”
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”