@elliemce

*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs

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@sarcasticmommy4

I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.

@briangaar

Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*

@dulcetry

One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt

@Just_Lee_

Nothing says “We have no faith in our own products” like using a 16 year old girl in your anti-aging cream commercials.

@abbycohenwl

“Where do people already feel awkward & uncomfortable?”
“Church?”
“K let’s make ’em like that”
— funeral home designers

@comedianluke

If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.

@dinnersruined

*hands you a marijuana*
“This one’s called Air Bud. It’ll make you play basketball. Also it might turn you into a golden retriever.”

@Reverend_Scott

Carl: “It’s chilly out.”

Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”

“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”

“Fair enough, Carl.”