Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.

How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong

Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…

1. I don’t have a swimming pool.

2. I don’t have a girlfriend.

“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”

Alexa, make me look good naked.

Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.

“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”

I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.

one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”

[dinner party]

GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?

RICH GUY: I race horses for a living

ME: Do you ever beat them?

Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.

“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”

Me: $400 and 2 unread messages

I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns

Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.

what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?

I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.

Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:

1) Breakfast

2) Breakfurious

You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.

New modem

5yo: What is that?

Me: an alien detector

5: It has a glowing green light.

Me: means it found one.

5: It’s pointing right at you

Me *evil grin* I know

help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me

Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.

My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos

Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”

who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure

A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London

Today will be the day I finally tell my friend that “touche” isn’t pronounced like “douche.”

Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.

Weighing up my bread heating options

Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.

ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.