Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.

Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.

me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me

her: you’re just being dramatic

me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably

Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.

*at Wal-Mart*

Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle

Me: It’s not us this time

*we fist bump*

I ordered a pizza.

I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.

Is it free if it’s 5 years late?

Pleading insanity in small claims court

A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.

I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”

[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding

[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]

“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”

Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.

Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?

*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*

Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!

– RL partying sounds so violent

streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy

Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.

[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom

No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.

I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.

If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.

Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.

Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital

Me: That would be great, we really need the beds

How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?

I was today years old.

so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset

My first child will be named New Folder.

gasoline
noun

: mouthwash for dragons

I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist

Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever

In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook

[heaven]

ME: so about those footprints…

GOD: footprints?

ME: from when you carried me

GOD: wasn’t me

ME: well then who—

GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit

I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn

Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.

Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.