Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka

I am just a man.

Standing in front of a cat.

Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.

Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?

Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.

I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”

Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with

I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.

If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.

Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?

Me: I’m.

to be Frank, i would have to change my name.

Nobody:

NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!

If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2

Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere

Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.

Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor

Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman

I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.

People reporting the royal family to the police for living suspiciously lavish lives without a job or any work to show for it is exactly what I needed to hear today!😂🤣😂😅🤣🙊🤭😂😂🤣😅🤣😂😅🥲🤣😂😅🤭🙊🥲🤣🤣😂👏👏👏👏

#Grifters
#AbolishTheMonarchy

Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.

Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.

I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.

Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.

cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil

Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”

You know. Like a book.

My kitchen overserved me.

SpongeBob has such a good life. Make burgers, catch jellyfish, play with friend. I want that. I want that for me. And I would have no problem with disposing of him in order to get it

[in bathroom stall]

Me: …

Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall

Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable

if you care about the planet have unprotected sex!

give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.

I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.

Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock

*couple walking through the house they just bought*

Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!

Wife: Really?

H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.

*later*

Friend: Is there an attic?

Husband: No.

Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint