Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7

I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich

*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*

doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week

me: the what

doc: the cabbage

me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??

doc:

i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)

the doc howled with laughter lmaooo

Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.

Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*

Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.

12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.

Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?

Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT

I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.

Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.

[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself

Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.

Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.

One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.

Inkling sounds like a baby octopus

I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify

TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love

TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean

I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo

DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here

It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.

Listen, I hate you…

I’m just not… IN hate with you.

Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week

gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope

“I need a beer, you want one?”

– me, helping my son with his Legos

Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?

I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.

The perfect label doesn’t exi-

Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please

Bank: sorry no

Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there

Bank: ok thats not really how this works

Me: omg this is daylight robbery

i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020

JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head

I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.