Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.

friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass

[later at thanksgiving dinner]

aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?

me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it

The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”

Pat Sajak: I’m Pat Sajak.

Me: Jack.

Pat Sajak: No, my last name is Sajak.

Me: Jack

@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.

what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonka

what scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka

I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.

Sorted

me: you guys sell gift cards?

funeral parlor director: what?

At noon, we ride.*

*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.

[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT

This elevator skit is so incredibly simple

And I think that’s what makes it perfect.

Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together

My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.

Donut: ….

To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.

Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.

What level of hell is this?

TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.

RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.

Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.

Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.

Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.

“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!

~Vodka

*sells my soul*

Devil: I want a refund

My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready

A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.

Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.

Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.

My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.

My wife during our sexy time does not.

Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”

Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.

[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?