ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
You Might Also Like
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
Get lost in the experience, not the park.
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
Van Gone
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
[noticing the food the other guests brought to the party are halloween themed] this spinach artichoke dip is haunted
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now