ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
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My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed