ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
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ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
Lube but for my dry humor.
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
Can’t think of a single time the MGM lion advanced the plot of the movie in any way. Just needless jump scare
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
Brat summer over. Time for Farfalle Fall.
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
getting seasonal up in here
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer