Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.

“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”

Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.

if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know

Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.

My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.

How broken is your spirit?
Me: Imagine a McDonald’s ice cream machine

*Struts like a peacock*

I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep

Cw – it was 10 minutes long!

Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper

I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn

A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.

Mmmm. Shoeshi

i saw a single tiktok in which a woman mispronounced gnocchi “yonkees” and unfortunately for everyone in my life i am going to say it that way forever now.

So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.

You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.

Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and death

Me: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.

Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!

A double negative is a big no-no.

GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.

ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.

I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.

When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.

Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?

Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.

How I read news articles:

1. Read the headline

2. Go directly to the comment section

3. Have a meltdown

Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?

Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog

My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.

as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.

date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?

professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement

My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.

“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God

This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.