Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro

The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.

[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.

[walking somewhere]

My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!

just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook

so no one told you life was gonna be this way

Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…

Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly

Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is

imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains

I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!

Me: Can you hear me?

4: No.

Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.

4: But I can’t hear you.

Me: You can, you’re answering me.

4: (crying) No, I can’t!

Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.

It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.

Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.

You didn’t make the team.

*me as your life coach

If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.

Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.

Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?

Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.

“You’re beautiful on the inside.”

– Me, to a Twinkie

Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”

I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride

They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”

Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway

[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister

Interviewer: We offer great benefits.

Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?

Did you guys know that protons have mass?

I didn’t even know they were Catholic…

HER: I’m leaving u

ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia

HER: yes

ME:

HER:

ME: did the dog put you up to this

It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.

[getting murdered]

me: my computer has a virus, so u could say

[murdering pauses]

me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol

[murdering intensifies]

Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.

People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.

The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook