Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
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Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
Today I learned when you check into a Doubletree they greet you with a freshly made chocolate chip cookie from the cookie warming drawer behind the check-in desk, and if some giant soulless corporate conglomerate thinks they can bribe me with a cookie they are five huge stars
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
Sorry for the delay in texting you back. My internet is slow and it takes a week to arrive at your location
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars