Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
You Might Also Like
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
(from the bottom of a well) is this the trap
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
At least we know scientists somewhere are finding a way to make humans sweat hallucinogens like those toads, so there will finally be a perk to all this stress about climate change and we all have a happier apocalypse.
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
Me [camping]:
We’re out of wood, so I’m going to go chop some more after my hike.Me [at home]:
I would change the channel, but the remote is 2.7 millimeters out of reach.
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
Time magazine should have a Worst Person of the Year
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
AHHH!!! Don’t look at our website with a website browser!! We’ll DIE ! Use our app!!!!!! click this!!
[button that does not open the app, redirects to the app store]
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.