Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
You Might Also Like
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
cats when you pet them too long:
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.