Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.

Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.

Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready

The same kid right beside me:

I have standards. They might be low, but still…..

ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*

DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR

My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”

I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-

ＰＯＯＦ！[ponytail appears]

this is the greatest thing ever

I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.

[Command Center]

*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*

Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?

Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security

[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”

I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.

🤣😂

Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …

No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”

When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”

no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????

I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?

If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”

My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.

I gave her money for her ticket.

The boy paid.

I did not get my money back.

I learned an important lesson about dating today.

Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.

Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.

When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.

the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago

If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.

There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.

“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort

Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced

HIM: Do you have raisins?

ME: I have grapes and patience.