Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
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The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
If I knew I’d one day have to pick a baby name, I wouldn’t have held so many grudges
I’m taking a group of 9yos to the water park today. My wife said “just try not to lose any of em” if you’re wondering about her confidence in my parenting skills.
Anyway if anyone’s seen a boy in sponge bob swim trunks please let me know thanks.
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
Beware of fowl play.
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
🍞🦆
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
Thursday
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.