Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
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[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
It sucks that crazy people ruined wearing tinfoil hats for those of us that just did it for fashion purposes
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
We have a leprosy outbreak in central Florida and the experts are telling people not to eat armadillos. Just in case you were wondering how it’s going down here…
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
If a woman has kids: should they not be at home looking after the kids
If a woman does not have kids: wow crazy cat lady
If a woman lures kids to her cottage made of gingerbread deep down in the woods: she’s a witch
Women can’t win
federal employees putting floppy discs into their work computers from 1996 and watching people accuse the government of having the technology to create hurricanes
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.