Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.

Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.

I hate when I’m typing away, expecting autocorrect to have my back, and I look down and just see awjdbdmkskanxksnakdbd

You make me want to be a better sentence completer.

“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes

When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?

Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”

When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…

Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.

why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??

WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?

If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.

[at restaurant]

-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down

“You’re free,” I whisper.

My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.

I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.

20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head

30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle

40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib

Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.

You should be able to google why a couple broke up

Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?

If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.

Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”

For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.

Probably.

I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful

When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.

At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”

If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns

I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too

[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school

Him: you watch too much Food Network

Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote

Him: its toast and jelly

I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.